2017-02-05

The Love Trap

I've been out for a walk in the shitty but refreshing weather (rain and snow in a lovely combination). I've had lunch just now and feeling good and realized this is the first weekend in February. This weekend, exactly 10 years ago, I came back to Sweden after three months of fun and craziness in Cambodia and Thailand.

Three months that changed my life for better and for worse. I can't believe it's been a whole decade since I was scuba diving and watched the incredibly beautiful sunset on Koh Tao every night. While partying my ass off, of course.

But that time is all behind me now. Now I'm living in the present, or trying my best to do so anyway. No regrets, no worries, no drama. Breathe in, breathe out. Keep calm. Don't judge. Be kind to yourself and one another.

It's not that simple of course. I do get really angry sometimes and sad. I'm not a machine. But I'm more in touch with my inner self than I've been before. Keeping calm is actually a great way of living. Having a sense of humour in every situation and not taking everything so damn seriously.

But...

When it comes to wanting something really bad, longing and hoping and needing, patience and keeping calm is far too hard even though I meditate and do other stuff to keep my mind off the object of distress... Or desire...

I should probably not even mention it again. It's like when you get your hopes up, it all goes to hell. Every damn time.

I've been through much hard stuff during the last decade and more, one would think it would be enough soon. Where is my reward? (Said with a smile.) Life will always be challenging, I'm fine with that, but I'm not fine with continuing walking alone.

It must be possible to work on yourself and connect with the true self and still share your life with someone else. Otherwise, what's the fucking point?



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